I don't know if it's post partum depression or general malaise or crappy sleep or what, but I am feeling clueless and incompetent these days. I have what I consider to be one of the most important jobs in the world -- being a mother -- and I think I'm doing a lot of things wrong or at least not enough right things. How do you know when you are doing alright as a parent? How do you know you haven't done irreparable harm?
There is always more everyone can do. But I worry that I'm raising them with bad habits, neglecting their needs, being a terrible example, etc. I love these boys so much, but I'm not one of those naturally good mothers who knows what to do, how to best enrich their lives, etc. Day-to-day mothering is not necessarily joyful to me. I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Maybe I'm just not good at serving others or living life creatively. It's uncomfortable to forget my own needs and wants, and I'm kind of a wimp, I guess.
I try to do the basics -- keep them clean and fed, tell them each day I love them. But I struggle to get our daily routine down to a consistent schedule. I probably don't give Joseph enough fruits and vegetables. I probably don't give him enough one-on-one time, or fun, stimulating activities. I don't take them outside because it is a pain to chase Joseph all over the place and hold a heavy baby at the same time. (Although, I see other moms doing this with even more kids.)
I often leave Jacob in the bassinet or swing to cry while I do other things -- sometimes to fix Joseph a meal, sometimes because I am too stressed out by his crying and have to just focus elsewhere, like on doing the dishes or looking at email.
I've been up in the middle of the night numerous times with both boys awake while I am screaming, crying and throwing things because I am frustrated at not being able to get even a minimal amount of sleep much of the time. That can't be good for them to see and hear. Then I drink Diet Pepsi every morning to try to get out of the zombie state, and maybe it in turn causes Jacob problems as it comes through my milk.
The list of what I could do to improve is huge and I wouldn't know where to make a dent. I don't even know what I should be doing with them all day. Am I supposed to play with them or let them do their own thing? Hold the baby more, let him cry on his own more?
I keep telling myself, okay, today I will do my best to help them grow and learn, but nothing changes. I'm still tired, crabby, have a filthy house, and can't seem to get into the groove of things. They deserve so much better.
