It's a Chicken Bone!

For those of you who didn't know, I'm having a baby on July 22 (or so). This morning I had an ultrasound after waiting what has seemed like forever to find out whether we need to say 'he' or 'she.' Dr. Ultrasound Dude did it so fast we barely had a glance, but yeah, this baby has what Dr. Dude called a "chicken bone" between his legs. Yep, he's a boy! Not that we prefer one over the other, I just wanted to stop saying "them" or "he/she" because that's like too heavy and onerous for me right now.

Any good boy name suggestions? Funny ones welcome, although we're not gonna be mean and really give him a name that's too unusual. Joseph suggested Pookie, after our whiny cat who keeps barfing in the house. And Andy, I realize you only know two boy names, anyhow, so don't sweat it if you're all out. Har har, just more good-natured ribbing!

I Believe in Cheese

Okay, this I could not resist. There was a post on a Mormon mothers blog that, as inspired by NPR's "I Believe" series, brought on a gush of sappy Hallmark sentiments. "I believe in chocolate." "I believe in the power of love." "I believe the world would be better if nobody had cars."

So I came up with my own list:

I believe that Larry Flynt is an evil, perverted man, despite being warmly interviewed on NPR as a First Amendment savior, to discuss his photos of female genitalia.

I believe that a rattlesnake is a rattlesnake and that it is better to preemptively kill the sucker before he bites your child. I believe that all the praying and fasting in the world will not rob an evil creature of its free agency while it is left to roam in your backyard.

I believe that if your political talking points are the same ones used by Al Qaeda, you must be on their side.

I believe that God is in charge of this earth and that all the factories and SUVs in the world are still not powerful enough to destroy His creation.

I believe in “global warming”… and in global cooling. I believe the earth’s atmosphere warms and cools in cycles, that this is normal, and that the disintegration of the family is a much bigger problem.

I believe that people of all races, religions, etc. can be smart, happy and successful and that it is condescending to say that such-and-such minority group is so incapable of achievement that we need to lower our expectations of them and offer opportunities based on their race instead of performance.

I believe that Celine Dion’s nose is wider than her waist.

I believe that criminals will never obey gun laws even if we make a hundred more. I believe that robbing good people of their right to carry firearms will make it harder to defend their families from intruders, thieves and murderers.

I believe that decent Greek food does not exist in Utah.

I believe that too many women focus on shopping and don’t think very deeply. I believe that too many men have facial hair.

I believe that sappy does not equal meaningful.

….. And I believe that the overly enthusiastic kids on Barney are annoying.

What's The Joke to This Punchline?

Okay, all night as I lay in bed the following punchline kept going through my head: "Who dat who say dat last who dere?" I think one of my parents used to tell this joke, and maybe I'll get banned from Blogspot, since it's an "ethnic" joke. Come to think of it, I learned quite a few "ethnic" jokes from my parents. Boy, could Judy sound just like a Southern black dude! Har har.

Anyway, I have no idea what the joke before the line is. Something about a black dude in a haunted house? Was "Smile honey, so I can see where you is" part of it, or just a line Leland got from Al Jolson?

You might also remember with fondness Judy's hilarious thermos joke. What's the greatest invention ever? The thermos! It keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. What's so big about that? "Well, HOW do it KNOW?!"

Then one I learned from crabby old Audra Moss, Orem's greatest drama teacher: The Croc-O-Gator! Ha ha ha, chuckle chuckle... I'd have to break this one out to impress company, it was so so clever, chuckle chuckle... And yeah, I sounded just like Eddie Murphy, I'm sure. "Da croc-o-gator has da head of a crocodile on one end and da head of an alligator on the other." (Ooh, then I'd switch into the other black character to say, "Well, how he go to da baff-room?") And now the punchline... "He DON'T! DAT'S what make him SO MEAN!"

Ah, good times... don't pee your pants from laughing too hard.

What, Are They Actually Serious?!!?

There's been a lot of hype recently about the world coming to an end because of... "Global Warming!!" And actually, I do believe in global warming. I also believe in global cooling. I ain't no expert, but hasn't the earth's temperature fluctuated like this for centuries? Didn't we have hotter temperatures before, followed by cooling? Why is it suddenly so catastrophic to experience climate changes?

And another thing: who do we think we are? Are humans so powerful that we could actually destroy God's creation? (Well, I know George Bush can -- he used Hurricane Katrina as a weapon of mass desctruction to kill all them black people in New Orleans that he hates. And yes, I really did hear a black guy say this with a serious look on his face.)

I hear that cow manure emits more gasses than an SUV. It also makes sense that, DUH, the sun causes the earth to get warm. The sun is way bigger and more powerful and gassy than all our puny cars and factories, right?

People out there claim to have undeniable proof that humans are causing extreme and dangerous changes in our atmosphere. I was looking for an article with actual proof, but couldn't find anything with specific, scientific proof. But seemingly everyone (except Thomas Sowell, etc.) takes this as gospel.

So unless the evil United States agrees to live in a pre-industrialized society, we're all gonna drown in the massive flood from Santa's melted ice home. The waters will then wash us down to the South Pole where we will freeze and die in the thickening, expanding ice of Antartica.

Things I Really Hope Never Ever Happen To Me

1. Getting my kneecaps drilled into while awake.
2. Having a child with same-sex attraction issues (I'll gladly take a baby with Down Syndrome over that).
3. Having Shrillary, John "RINO" McCain or Hussein Obama as my president.
4. Being in a horrific accident and being stuck under heavy rubble/car/whatever and feeling every bit of pain as my body lies there twisted and broken.
5. Having the above happen to anyone I love or care about -- I'd rather suffer it myself before a loved one does.
6. Having any sad or scary thing happen to my child(ren).
7. Having to change another poopy diaper (well, I can dream...)
8. Living in a third world country where hygiene of any sort is just not possible. Or giving birth or having a major medical need in that country (I include Canada here).
9. Living in a past century in which glasses and contacts are not available -- I'd be very blind.
10. Being trapped in the wilderness or on a desert island with nothing to eat but bugs.
11. Having to choose between starving to death or eating my dead friend/loved one.
12. Being forced to sit through a Celine Dion concert.